One of the hardest parts of going into blogging was deciding how I wanted to brand myself. How I wanted to tell my story and how I wanted to present myself and my content. We hear a lot about originality, about authenticity, about standing out. The first piece of advice, or one of the first pieces, we’re ever given is: come up with a name that is you. And to be honest, how I previously named this blog and presented this blog didn’t feel like me. Yes it had my name and had the general idea of what I wanted to do, but it didn’t feel like me.
Makeup is something I have loved since I was a kid. I remember being twelve and sitting in my room late at night playing with makeup. The first makeup product I ever got was a fuschia lipstick and a hot pink blush from Estee Lauder and I wore the shit out of them. (Thanks for those, Ouma). Ever since I found tumblr and figured out what YouTube was I always wanted to blog, always wanted to share what I liked and enjoyed with others. So to create ‘Makeup by Kaelin’ felt like a no brainer.
Except it wasn’t. I’ve struggled with that blog ever since I first tried starting it in sophomore year of college. I tried YouTube, I tried Blogger. Every time I failed worse than the last. And part of it was equipment, part of it was know-how. But now I realize that what was really killing me was my branding and the image I was trying to present. It wasn’t me. It was a single facet of me. It was an aesthetic and a vibe that wasn’t fucking me.
I’m not just makeup. I’m not just skincare. I’m a nontraditional student, a full time employee, a tree hugger, a hippie, and a scientist in the making. I’ve been bullied, I’m fighting mental illness, I love video games and books and food. To reduce my existence, even in presentation, to beauty is such a reductionist approach. It was stifling me. I want to write and share more than just what my favorite skincare is or what foundation I use. I want a voice beyond what you can see.
One of the weirdest things I’ve ever done, especially as a grown ass adult, is to realize that the way in which I’ve been living my life is just… wrong. Not unethical or shameful, but it wasn’t me. I’m not polished or proper or glam or any of these things. I was trying to kid myself into following a lifestyle that I don’t fit. I was trying to use a voice that wasn’t mine.
So here I am, with a new blog. I’ll still be focusing a lot on makeup and skincare because these help me feel so good about myself. But I’ll be sharing the other parts of myself. The raw, moon child, petri dish poking, swearing, goofy parts that I’ve been quiet about. I love astrology and immunology and surrealist novels and my bullet journal. I want this blog to be about the less glamorous parts of myself as well. And I guess I’m trying to find myself too.
So about the name. I chose the name incredibly quickly, after this fab post by Jemma of Dorkface. I realized that I wanted to blog about more, and Saturn has always been my favorite planet. Coincidentally, I’m a Capricorn, which is ruled by Saturn. From a scientific perspective, I know that astrology isn’t concrete or entirely credible. But the part of me that has a lifelong love of spirituality and all things new age decided to jump on this with both feet. In many ways I’m a stereotypical Capricorn, so this feels right.
Because truth be told, I’m 23 and I still don’t quite know who I am. But maybe, through expressing myself authentically, uncensored, on this little corner of the internet, I can figure it out.
But for now, you’ll still see a whole bunch of makeup and skincare because I love it. But you’ll see more too. And I hope that we can get to know each other, and grow. Together.